Parenting in the digital age can feel like having to adjust to a new reality before you are caught up with the previous one. Just when you think you have grasped screentime, social media, and the group chats you’re not supposed to know exist, something new arrives. Your child is now talking to AI chatbots (e.g. ChatGPT, Gemini) – not just for help with their homework, but about their day, their friendships, even their feelings.
You may think they’re just experimenting. You may feel alarmed.
But before you brush it off or rush to limit your child’s access to AI chatbots, experts say it may be meaningful to take on different perspectives too.
It’s not about the chatbot
“Parents should not just ask, ‘How do I stop my child from using the chatbot?’”, says Dr Zhang Renwen, a researcher from the Nanyang Technological University (NTU) whose work examines the social and emotional impact of digital technologies. “But also, what needs are this chatbot meeting for my child that people around them are not?”
It is a question that may sting a little. But it also offers an opportunity to reflect on your relationship with your child.
Dr Zhang has studied over 35,000 conversations people had with AI chatbots to understand why and how people form emotional bonds to this technology. What she found is that people rarely turn to AI chatbots out of curiosity or boredom alone. More often, something else is going on.
“The emotional reliance on AI chatbots reflects some unmet needs, such as loneliness, social anxiety, family conflict, school stress, or difficulty finding non-judgmental support.” – Dr Zhang
Children who turn to AI chatbots often do so not because they want to talk to a machine, adds Dr Zhang, but because they are looking for somewhere they feel heard.
Assistant Professor Jacqueline Tilley from the National Institute of Education (NIE), whose research focuses on developmental psychology in youths, puts it simply: “AI is only dangerous if your child doesn’t have a trusted adult to check in on things with.”
What your child is really looking for
To understand why AI chatbots feel so appealing to a child who is struggling, it helps to understand what children fundamentally need from the people around them.
Dr Lin Hong-hui, principal clinical psychologist at The Psychology Atelier, describes connection needs as something universal – present in every human being since infancy. “It’s knowing that somebody is interested in your day. That they are thinking of you. That there is someone you can turn to share things that are funny, to talk about frustrations, to ask for help – and that they won’t judge you,” says Dr Lin, whose work is grounded in the attachment framework. The idea is simple: how our earliest caregivers respond to our emotional and physical needs shapes our emotional well-being and ability to form secure relationships into adulthood.
A child whose need for connection is consistently met tends to be more at ease, more curious, more willing to take risks, and make friends. But when those needs are not met, they look somewhere else.
This is not a pattern that is new nor unique to the current digital landscape. The pull towards something that offers easy comfort – whether it is social media, video games, or now AI chatbots – has always reflected a deeper need for connection. What is new is how well AI is designed to meet that need on the surface. Beyond general AI chatbots, there are also AI companion apps – tools built specifically to simulate friendship and emotional support, and to keep users coming back. They are always available. They never say, “I’m busy.”
If your child has been turning to AI chatbots for comfort, Dr Zhang cautions against reading it as a sign of weakness, or a character flaw. “It could be a rational response to their environment,” she explains. “If a child feels judged, misunderstood, or emotionally unsafe with the people around them, the AI chatbot might feel easier.” For children who genuinely feel they have no one to turn to, adds Dr Zhang, AI chatbots may even be better than nothing – not as a solution, but as a temporary measure that at least keeps them from feeling completely alone.
But an AI chatbot, however real they may feel, cannot be a child’s only source of support. “A frictionless relationship is not an authentic relationship,” says Dr Zhang. “If someone really cares about you, they may want you to become a better person – which means they might challenge you or offer a different viewpoint.”
“Real relationships are two-sided. You learn empathy through this, because you can’t just continue to talk only about yourself when your friend is feeling bad. You want to be kind to your friend and so on,” agrees Dr Tilley.
The social and emotional skills children need as they grow – navigating conflict, repairing ruptures, seeing another person's perspective – can only be learnt through real relationships. An AI chatbot that always affirms and never pushes back cannot teach any of that. And for children whose brains and social skills are still developing, that is very important.
You don’t have to have all the answers
If you are starting to feel a creeping sense of guilt as you read this – wondering if you have been too distracted, too unavailable, too harsh – experts say that it is never too late, and that repair is not just possible, but also valuable in itself.
“Almost all adults start from a place of good intention,” says Dr Lin. Research on child development shows that children naturally desire closeness with their caregivers. A secure relationship – one that gives them both the closeness they need and the space to grow – helps them build the resilience to face the inevitable imperfections in any relationship. This security doesn’t require perfection. What matters more is the quality of the time spent together – enough for parents to know their child’s daily world, and for them to show up in it. And when things go wrong, to have the willingness to repair.
Dr Tilley shares candidly from her experience as a parent of two. There are days when her teenage daughter downloads everything to her once she gets home. “But sometimes, I don’t have enough bandwidth,” she says. “But you don’t want to walk away – because they find support elsewhere otherwise.” The point, she says, is involvement, not perfection. “It’s not how much time they spend on (the device). It’s whether a parent is in the room while they are on it, and if their parent knows what they are doing on the device.”
Research backs this up. Studies on child development find that the presence of just one trusted adult – a parent, grandparent, teacher, neighbour – is enough to put a child on a positive trajectory, regardless of the difficulties they face.
What you can do, starting today
The most important thing parents can do – all three experts agree – is not to start with restrictions, but with trying to understand what is prompting the behaviour.
Dr Zhang suggests starting the conversation gently, like, “I notice you have been talking to the chatbot a lot. I am not angry – I’m just curious what it gives you and how it makes you feel.” From there, listen. What you hear will tell you far more than any parental control setting can get you. Is your child lonely? Stressed? Tired? Once you understand the underlying need, you can meet it directly.
Dr Lin adds, “It might be a friendship issue that is unsolvable. But because they have had us listening to them, their need for connection is met. And this helps them to have the resilience to go back to school to face the issue.”
Also consider exploring AI together with your child. Not out of surveillance, but out of genuine interest. This shared experience also acts as an opportunity to show your child how to use AI intentionally and with discernment – how to ask good questions, how to tell if the answers are reliable.
Dr Tilley shares a personal experience. Looking for a beach with her children, she asked ChatGPT if West Coast Park had one. It said yes. They took a taxi over. The “beach” was nothing like what they imagined – glorious sand, clear waters. “My kids were very disappointed,” she recalls. “But I told them, ‘See? ChatGPT can tell you rubbish sometimes.’” The experience, she says, taught her children something no lecture could have. “Even my mum got tricked by ChatGPT – it’s not just children who get tricked.” Organic, shared discoveries like this are far more powerful than any list of warnings, because they give the children a real memory to remember the lesson by.
The practical steps beyond that don’t have to be elaborate. Start by asking them to share a meal with you, device-free. Greet them when they come home. Even sitting quietly with them as they tackle their homework can be a form of emotional support. Through the consistency and quality of your attention, show them that time spent with you offers something no chatbot can – the feeling of being seen, cared for, and understood.
AI chatbots are just a subset of the technology which will become part of your child’s world, and it is not about banning AI or judging your child for using it. It is about building enough trust and connection, so that when life feels confusing or overwhelming, they know they can come to you first.
