Why teaching kids how to fail can teach them how to live

Let’s get children on a quest they believe in, says Mr Chow Yen-Lu, who started a foundation that champions mental wellness, after losing his son to suicide. In this Q&A with Schoolbag, he shares lessons on building purpose, resilience and mental wellness in children.

He talks to Schoolbag about how parents can build purpose, resilience and mental wellness in their children.

Schoolbag: You recently addressed 100 teachers at a secondary school about raising future-ready kids. What were some of your suggestions?

Schoolbag: How else can we help children to put their heart into what they do?

How else do you inculcate resilience? By giving kids enough space to try things. We’ve become impatient, expecting instant results. We need to let them learn delayed gratification. If our kids watch a YouTube video on how to make cookies, encourage them to go on and try it out till they make it. Burn something! Just don’t burn down the house. 

Mr Chow: I’ve been an angel investor for almost 20 years. Around 90% of startups fail. Almost by definition, the first time you start something, you’re going to fail. In the startup space, people look at that as a badge of honour. Failure is very common; it’s not something to be ashamed of. Every failure is an opportunity to learn something and grow from there. 

Most learning takes place during failure, not success. So I love to see someone who says on their CV, “Oh, I did this startup a few years ago” and then “I also started another thing”. It’s about taking action, not giving up, and constantly learning something. 

We started talking about self-care eight to nine years ago and developed programmes around self-care. By exercising the different dimensions of self-care, we believe that people can achieve true happiness.

Schoolbag: How can parents help their children avoid mental health struggles?

Mr Chow: Prevention, pre-emption and early intervention. That’s what Over-The-Rainbow focuses on. Going back to mental wellness, when does the journey begin? It begins when you decide to take responsibility and ownership of your mental health. 

To get a child to take ownership of their own mental wellness, parents must be role-models and take ownership of theirs first. Taking ownership means doing something pro-actively for your own well-being, whether it’s physical, intellectual, emotional, social or spiritual. For example, we should get sufficient rest; pick up hobbies that engage our minds, and let go of toxic or negative emotions.

The problem for some of us is that we don’t pay attention until we’re in a crisis. This goes for me too. We need to shift our mindset and decide that “Okay, I don’t want to be in a crisis mode; it’s not a good place to be”. We have to commit and take time out on a regular basis to practise self-care and renew all aspects of our wellbeing, so our children can also see how it’s done. 

And let me tell you, it works. There’s no magic. So many youths come to us while facing some challenges. We give them the tools and the environment: support, self-discovery activities, and the chance to do something to exercise their passion and talent. We help them connect with their dreams and aspirations so that they can lead the lives that they’re meant to live and feel happier. It’s about finding meaning and purpose in their lives. 

As a result, they were able to mostly heal and transform into someone with better emotional and mental health. This helps them bounce back more easily from adversity, trauma and stress. They can maintain a positive outlook on life and have high self-esteem despite experiencing difficult situations.  

Schoolbag: What’s a key parenting habit that will contribute to a child’s success later in life? 

Mr Chow: Rule number one, don’t be a helicopter parent. Love your child unconditionally but don’t do everything for them. Make them contribute around the house. When I was a kid, we always helped with housework. We had no maid, no help, nothing. Teach them the law of harvest. You want this? You’ve got to work for it. Money doesn’t fall from trees. Teach them the law of consequences – you do this, this will happen. So often we take away the consequences because us parents don’t have the patience. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution? I don’t want to sound so tough, but it’s like that.

Don’t do things for them that they can do. For stuff they cannot do yet, guide them from beginning to the end so that children feel that they’re exercising their passion and their talent. They will feel a sense of satisfaction and pride. It’s the best way to teach your child confidence.