127 messages, and counting?

If you have a school-going child, you are likely in at least one, if not several, chat groups by now. Are these doing more harm than good, or are they a critical part of your child’s school journey? As kids get older, shouldn’t we as parents eventually let go? Mother-of-two Melissa Tan shares how it went for her.

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127 unread messages. That was the number in that red oval on my WhatsApp when I woke up one particular morning. They had all arrived over the course of one night.

I tapped on the icon, and yes, it was all messages on my parent chat group. One mother had triggered this deluge by asking which topics would be covered in the upcoming exams. This sparked off a slew of messages from other parents all seemingly clueless and waiting for another parent to enlighten them.

How did I get here, I wondered, while my 13-year-old that this concerned slept on unaware?

When I joined my very first parent chat group eight years ago, I certainly did not expect to be constantly checking in to keep up with the multitude of messages, even for the simplest of things like which uniform to wear the next day.

Let’s start at the very beginning

When my son started Primary 1 in 2013, I was given the role of parent representative for his class. It was a great way to get to know the rest of the class parents and we all shared the same concerns and enthusiasm for our kids adapting to primary school.

We updated each other on the school happenings, homework, CCAs and even organised some gatherings outside of school. On chattier days, as many as 20 to 30 messages transpired, but daily, it was fewer than 10, sometimes even none. We would share photos of the kids when it was our turn to volunteer at school. Looking back, we had great camaraderie which could be attributed to our common goal to help our kids settle in and build a strong foundation.

From useful to annoying

I thought that as the boys grew, the frequency of messages and reliance on these chat groups would lessen. How wrong I was! I found myself added to each year’s new chat group, some of which I was asked to be the admin of, on top of being the parent rep. Instead of letting our boys handle their school matters as they grew, we parents continued to take charge, sending out reminders, asking about homework and assignments, and even inquiring about enrichment classes.

When my son entered Secondary 1, there were the chat groups again, but I figured it was to help our kids settle into secondary school life. As the days turned into months, the messages kept being fired away each day. In fact, it seemed that as the kids got older, we parents were getting even more involved and there was a certain tension in the chats at times. With an increase in the number of subjects, parents stressing out over how their adolescent kids were coping was inevitable.

As I was the admin in some of the chat groups, I had to deal with a different set of challenges. There were incidents when inappropriate personal photos (showing their outfit for the day) or messages for friends would be posted and the parents didn’t realise they had sent it to the class chat group by mistake. There were irrelevant memes sent, and some individuals used the chat to advertise for their company services, or even to garner votes for some contest they were in.

Some parents would openly compare their kids’ grades in the chat and as the admin, I had to request that they refrain from doing so. The worst part was dealing with parents, who rubbed others the wrong way by being a know-it-all and lecturing the group on how they should be teaching their kids. Plus, it also became an outlet for some parents to complain about various subject teachers and they would consolidate feedback and ask me to send it to the form teacher or even the principal. It just became too overwhelming!

And that wasn’t all. Apart from the class group chat, there was the overall school group, the CCAs group, and even subject-based groups. It felt like we were constantly hovering over our kids instead of letting them navigate school life on their own.

Looking back on my youth, I don’t recall my parents checking in with the teachers or fellow parents on homework and other matters when I was in school. If I forgot to hand in my homework, I had to deal with the consequences myself. That way, I learnt my lesson and would be sure to do my assignments on time. Forgot to sign a consent form? I just missed out on the event. So why do we parents of today feel we need to be doing this?

The negative impact on your child’s learning

My son is quite forgetful, so the chat groups did help me keep him on track with his schoolwork. However, I realised that instead of helping him gain independence, I was giving him mixed signals by checking in on the chat groups to find out what homework was assigned.

As a result, he stopped jotting down the homework assignments in his notebook and would wait till I nagged him before he would start doing them. If I didn’t remind him, he’d claim he forgot, or ask me to check with the other parents. This was true even for CCA schedules and notices. I felt like I was his secretary, checking his schedules and deadlines etc. That’s when I knew something needed to change.

What had started as helpful reminders of schoolwork had turned into a crutch. If we are constantly checking for homework requirements and deadlines, our kids will grow up depending on us to know what’s going on and expect us to remember things for them. While I didn’t want to admit it, it is a form of helicopter parenting.

So, after seven years, I made up my mind to return the autonomy to him to handle his own school journey. It was time to stop relying on the chat groups.

Cutting the apron strings

First things first, I muted all five group chats and sat my son down to inform him that I would no longer be checking in with other parents for anything regarding school. I told him that he was old enough to take note of his homework assignments and school announcements on his own. I knew he would struggle at first, but better now than never. Don’t get me wrong, I was all nervous about doing this, but it was out of necessity that I had to go cold turkey in order for my son to become independent.

So he started off Secondary 2 with no help from me (ok, full disclosure: Initially I did still check in every 2 to 3 days with the chat group but did not actively participate), and after some hits and misses, he gradually got on track and was aware of what he needed to do for school work and more. Any time he wasn’t sure, or if he was absent from school, he knew to email his teacher or contact his classmates to check. I liked this new independent him and would from time to time send some encouragement and praise along his way.

So, with my youngest about to enter primary school in a couple of years, will I fall into the same trap? To remind myself, I decided to list the pros and cons of being part of these chat groups.

Advantages:

–          You are updated on homework, school announcements and events

–          You can share thoughts on schoolwork, teachers, plan activities with other parents

–          You get faster responses than contacting the teachers directly

–          You can help each other out (carpool, relaying messages to child or teacher)

Disadvantages:

–          The never-ending influx aka pinging of messages

–          Getting overwhelmed with all the news/tasks

–          The unnecessary stress of comparison of children’s progress

–          The feeling of FOMO – fear of missing out

–          It can lead to multiple groups, based on CCA, subject banding, committee chat groups etc

The verdict:

Well, I guess I will still be involved in the group chat when my younger one starts school in three years, but I’ll know to slowly wean myself off as she settles in.

When joining a chat group, remind yourself that these should not dictate how you parent your child regarding school matters. Take it in your stride and focus on the reason you joined the group in the first place, which is to help settle your child in school. Establish rules in the groups, so others don’t use these chat groups for personal or commercial reasons. And most importantly, try not to hover all the time and let your child gain independence by not reminding them of everything happening in school.

Group chats are a handy way to be involved in your kids’ school life, but as parents, we need to know, for the sake of our kids, when to step in, and when to let go.