#1: Stay calm.
“Staying calm in the face of students who engaged in hurtful behaviour is important. Bullies often thrive on the emotional reactions of the targeted students. Giving neutral and steady responses will diminish their intended effort and extinguish their excitement and motivation to continue with the hurtful behaviour,” says Bendemeer Secondary School’s (BDMS) Senior School Counsellor Ms Nicole Choong.
The lesson here is to be in control and remain calm. Choose to ignore the comments and not take them personally. Report immediately to a trusted adult like a parent or teacher.
Tip: Staying calm is sometimes easier said than done. Role play this with your children. Practise taking deep breaths, counting slowly to five, and responding in a measured manner.
#2: Be assertive. Then walk away.
In Punggol Green Primary School (PGPS), students are guided on how to express their feelings clearly. Mdm Cai Aimei, Head of Department of Character and Citizenship Education, says, “We teach our students to say, ‘Stop, I feel (emotion) when you (action)’. in a polite and assertive tone, then walk away and seek help from a trusted adult.”
By learning how to recognise hurtful behaviours and respond appropriately during the Form Teacher Guidance Period and assembly talks, students are better equipped to handle difficult situations confidently.
The school also prepares students for similar situations that happen outside school grounds. “We want our students to know where to go for safety, whether it is safer to return to school, go home, or seek immediate help from a nearby adult,” says Mdm Cai.
Tip: Give your children the vocabulary to say “stop”. Try out the different tones of voice and phrases together so they are confident of saying them. Also discuss with your children where are the different places they can safely walk away to based on the locations they are usually at, such as if they encounter these situations in school, at the playground, or at the bus stop.
#3: Tell a friend or a trusted adult.
Students are always encouraged to report incidents of bullying or hurtful behaviour, whether to the Discipline Masters or any trusted adult in the school, says Ms Ng Hui Yin, Subject Head of Student Management at Yio Chu Kang Secondary School. “Reporting channels are open not only to students who are victims, but also to those who witness such behaviours.”
Ms Ng notes that lower secondary students tend to be more open to reporting incidents, especially when they involve hurtful words or actions. In many cases, the student who caused the hurt would say that they were “just playing”. “We often take these opportunities to guide them by explaining that something is only considered play when both parties are willing participants and are enjoying the interaction,” adds Ms Ng.
She cites an incident where a Secondary 1 boy secretly placed pencil lead into his classmate’s water bottle while the classmate was not looking, intending to watch his reaction. The affected student discovered the act and reported it to the Discipline Master after school. “For such situations, we would require the student responsible to apologise and reflect on the potential consequences of his actions if the situation had escalated or caused harm. In this particular case, the parents of the Sec 1 boy who carried out the act were also informed, so that they could reinforce the importance of making responsible choices and treating others with respect.”
However, students have shared concerns about approaching adults because they fear that adult intervention might escalate rather than resolve the situation, says Mdm Jade Chee, Senior School Counsellor at Serangoon Secondary School.
“This thought is always at the back of the minds of students who are distressed. They don’t like what their friends are doing, but they don’t want to approach adults about it. They tend to say ‘‘’Cher, can you not call my parent?’ Students hold the misperception that when the school calls their parents, it will signal that they have committed something wrong in school. The stigma associated with getting help does not improve the sitation.”
Mdm Chee explains that for some of these students, it is a very real fear. “We attend to their feelings first, and how they perceive the situation. We then give them options and help guide them in finding what works for them and what kind of support they need to carry out that option. Often, they are willing to try. This is empowering them to help themselves.”
And many times, the self-help options work. “We role play with them and coach them in what to say, they try talking to their friends, and some would manage to resolve their misunderstandings and conflicts. But of course, if the misbehaviour persists, we will surface it to the Student Management Team,” says Mdm Chee.
Tip: You can mitigate your children’s fear of seeking help, or of the school calling parents, by affirming them when they seek your help. Assure them that you want to listen and offer help when needed. These conversations can happen any time, not only when incidents happen.
#4: Stand up for someone else.
Building teacher-student and peer relationships in schools is an important part of enabling students to be upstanders, so they can help by informing trusted adults about incidents they witness.
PGPS’s students are encouraged to “Be An Upstander” – to speak up and stand up for what is right.
Mdm Cai explains their approach: “We teach the skill of being an upstander: to determine if someone’s actions are causing hurt or distress to others, step in and stop the situation from escalating if it is within their means. If it is beyond them to resolve, they should report the incident to an adult. Sometimes, that means asking another friend to accompany them to do the right thing together, which makes it less daunting.”
To support this initiative, the school has appointed a group of Peer Support Leaders (PSLs), who serve as the “eyes on the ground”, creating a network of care among students. “PSLs are trained to look out for peers who might be in distress or involved in a hurtful situation. We impress on students that if they witness incidents that are ‘too big’ for them to handle, they must surface them to an adult for help,” says Mr Kenny Teo, Subject Head of Student Well-Being at PGPS.
"Our PSLs understand they are creating a safety net for all our students and connecting them with adult help when needed. A safe and empathetic environment is built when each of us cares for one another in our daily actions and interactions,” Mdm Cai adds.
Ms Choong agrees that encouraging upstander behaviour is important.
She adds that in BDMS, on top of cyber wellness and social skills lessons, the school also advocates for strong pro-social behaviour – actions that benefit or help other people – among students. Programmes such as Support@BDMS, Suggest@BDMS and StarBendemeerians@BDMS encourage positive peer relationships, and remind students to have supportive influence among one another.
Whether online or offline, bullies may display aggressive behaviour to appear in power and try to seek validation or affirmation from their peers. There is power in numbers. So, the more upstanders step in to call out the bullies on their actions, the more the bullies immediately feel a need to change their ways to be accepted by those around them.
Tip: Some questions you can use when discussing upstanding behaviour with your children:
- Why do you think people may be hesitant to lend a hand when others need help?
- What would you do if another student says something mean to your friend?
